Never Say Never

Here are some things I said I would never do as a mom. Save yourself some apologizes and never say never, my friend. I’ve even blogged about these very things. But I’m only human and I’ve learned that moms are allowed to be fallible since every day is a trial by fire.

1). JUDGE OTHER MOMS

I am guilty of this from just this morning! I was jogging with Charlotte and a mom in a minivan (speaking of judgment) pulled up to her house with two child’s cups and a happy meal bag from McDonald’s at 8:00am. I tripped and caught myself; Mommy Karma can be a real b. 

2). USE MY JOGGING STROLLER FOR JOGGING

I said that running was my “me time” and the stroller should be used for walks only. Enter 2015 and it turns out the only thing more Zen than running without my baby is feeling like super mom while running with her.

3). TELL MY BIRTH STORY TO PREGNANT MOMS

I can’t even remember if they asked to hear it. I think it is the most beautiful story in the world because it is how Charlotte came to be. But when I joke about the excessive nudity and the number of strangers checking out your lady parts, oddly enough, they find it more terrifying than funny.

4). BE BORED AT OTHER WOMEN’S BABY SHOWERS

I refuse to wear hats or ohh and ahhh in an octave meant for dog discipline, but I will eat cake. It is simply impossible for me not to have a running dialogue in my head that checks off all the presents which are completely impractical for newborns. My favorite is when they are purchased off their registry. That segue ways nicely into #5. 

5). DO THE CONDESCENDING SMUG-MOM LOOK

While, “Just you wait and see” is not my new catch phrase, it is quickly becoming a part of my vocabulary. When a pregnant mom says to me, “Why do you need so much stuff?” it just comes flying out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea. I don’t want to say I told you so in 2 months, but a dark part of me really does.

I no longer have any room in my life to say never. Parenting is a moving target.  If you are lucky, one day you catch up, only to realize the target walks, talks and now wants to chase you. 

I never thought a car seat could cost more than I paid for a month's rent in college.  

The Birth Story

Every single person I know is now pregnant and I can only assume it’s because I have really sold the whole parenting gig. Many first time moms will ask a mother about her birth story and are curious about the various options that are available. TLC has even opted to make an entire TV series about it, because what teenage boy doesn’t want to have their mom whip out that DVD the first time their friends come over the play video games? 

Do these sound familiar?

All natural, baby

These days you are only limited by your imagination when it comes to where you give birth. Labor may take place at home, in a tub, or holding onto a tree in the woods. These superhuman hippies believe if they tell enough people, eventually, someone is bound to give them a much deserved medal, or perhaps a (vegan) cookie. When I walk with my mother’s group in Davis and this topic comes up, it’s amazing how quickly our strollers get divided. Oh I’m sorry this path is only wide enough for moms that didn’t selfishly drug their babies at birth. 

Epidural me, Doc 

I’m not a fan of pain and I was told I get my baby either way.

The theatrical hero

Even at birth he was a stubborn child. Their labor was like 3 days long and they seem to remind their child every time they are just about to blow out their birthday candles. And 49 hours, a blood transfusion and one C-section later there you were… happy birthday to you!

The war veteran

Women in their third trimester should actively avoid the moms that describe birth as a battle scene. The words placenta and tearing should really be limited to Lamaze classes. Dads are generally not invited to share what it was like for them, sort of a no vagina no voice philosophy, but I overheard a dad tell another dad through hushed whispers, “There was a lot of blood, man. Like a lot of blood.” The only place where these accounts are appropriate is the Sex Education classroom with an audience of hormonal teenagers, ideally before prom. 

The ultimate goal of every birth story is always a healthy baby. I have found it is best to be proud of the decisions you've made in the delivery room and share them with the type of blind confidence that is our only currency in parenting. This is the first time you will feel completely ill-equip to be making such important decisions and trust me it won't be the last. Consider it your initiation.

I'm going to have to do what now?