How to Back Talk the Baby Talk

Since this is not my first rodeo, I am well versed in the grossly inappropriate things that are said to pregnant women. As if we are not feeling vulnerable enough, we also get to put up with a wide range of verbal digs. Luckily, my arsenal of retorts is no longer empty and I will never be caught off guard again. I have prepared some equally caustic statements that are bound to make you feel just as uncomfortable as we do when you say any of the following.

1). What are you going to name him/her?

Keep your lips sealed! It’s a trap.

This is the part where you tell me about your estranged cousin (enter your unborn child’s name here) that accidentally ran over your neighbor’s dog and now that name will forever remind you of that one summer you two kissed.

2). Are you sure it’s not twins.

“You are looking a little bloated yourself. When was your last BM?”

3). Can I touch your stomach?

“Can I feel your boobs? Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was just a game we were playing called strangers that touch each other’s body parts.”

4). Were you hoping for a boy this time?

I like to get really spiritual here and say something like, “I prefer not to question God’s plan.”

There's nothing like throwing around the “G” word that makes people squirm and quickly change the subject.

5). How are you feeling?

This one is tricky because some people genuinely care, while others only want to use this as a gateway to overshare their pregnancy horror stories. Read the room and use your Mommy’s intuition, after all that’s what it’s there for.

Option a. “I feel OK, thank you for asking!”

Option b. “How are you feeling? Have you recovered from you pregnancy?”

You’d be surprised how many women with children in their 40’s take the bait.

6). Are you going to get an epidural?

“Are you a donor? Have you ever signed a DNR?”

Too personal? My point exactly.

These are the ones I've heard the most. Feel free to create your own list and don’t forget to share these snarky comebacks with as many preggos as you know. United, we can end the absurdity. Because people, I’m about to raise 2 daughters and I’d like them to grow up in a world where the only thing pregnant women ever hear from the peanut gallery is, “Wow, you look great!”