There are somethings we say casually in our BC (Before Children) lives that we shouldn't be allowed to say until the arrival of kids. I actually feel ridiculous that I ever said any of these things as a single, childless, carefree woman. I’m embarrassed. The following need to be trademarked expressions reserved for parents (patent pending).

I’m tired

If being tired were an Olympic Sport parents would get bronze, silver, and gold. But you wouldn't actually get to keep the metal since it’s shiny, so it obviously goes directly in your kid's mouth and then they’ll want to whip each other with it.

I need a day off

You cannot take a sick day from being a parent. Try telling your toddler that you don’t feel well. You’ll get one sticky pat on the face and then they’ll tell you to go make them a grilled cheese.

I have a song stuck in my head

It would be a gross under-exaggeration to say that we listen to Pharrell's Happy 100 times a day. That's actually a slow day for us.

I’m losing my mind

I used to say this waiting in line at Starbucks or when my favorite novel was about to come out on the big screen. I now reserve that statement for a double car meltdown while stuck in traffic, when I desperately need to pee.

I’m losing my patience

Before having children everyone should rescue 7 geriatric dogs, during a weekend of food poisoning, while trying to learn a second language and then you can experience one tenth of the patience it requires to raise a child. For two children double the amount of dogs and add a blind ferret.

When my audience most days is a 10 month old and a 2 and a half year old, I get no sympathy whatsoever, but I do get lots of love.