Asking for a Friend

It’s perfectly normal to question everything as parents. Moms everywhere are having the exact same beginning of conversation that sound like this:

“Hey do your kids ever…?” or “How many times have you _____?”

If our friends pause too long or stare blankly back at you, this is when we are forced to tack on—

“I’m just asking for a friend”.

(As a side note, I strongly suggest changing up your friend-group to a judgement-free zone and hanging with people that will nod along supportively even if they are secretly thinking WTF kind of animal circus are you running?)

Here is a list I’ve complied of the best questions, we parents, have secretly asked:

No shirt, no shoes, no services never applies to children right?

How many times have you eaten dessert in your pantry because you didn't want to share?

You know those signs that say don’t drink from the hose, irrigation water in use—does running through the sprinklers with their mouths open count?

How do I explain why girls need to pee sitting down?

How many lollipop bribes in a day is considered too many?

Are pants in the car really just a formality?

Does it count as sleeping through the night, when I don’t remember if I got up with them?

About what age should I stop listening to music with explicit lyrics in the car?

Does the 10 second rule apply off a public bathroom floor or should it be more like 3 seconds?

What is the difference between yelling and speaking loudly at my kids? 

Do you ever wake up to your children roaming like free-range chickens around your house and wonder what time they started?

Where should I dump the poop when my kids use their little potty on the side of the road?

Obviously none of these are true for my family, I’m just asking for a friend.