Parents are the Worst
7 reasons why I’m sorry, that we're not sorry.
1). From the moment they are born, our first topic of conversation at every gathering will be "our children". Even at dinner parties, for which we sacrificed our sanity and routine to attend, "pooping in the potty" stories are never off limits, even if the host is serving stew.
2). Parents are the worst kind of consumers and the most vocal. Nothing is safe enough, recall proof, or could ever have enough bells and whistles for our precious angels. A swing can no longer simply move back and forth, it needs to have a remote control which we can monitor from our smart phones, and look like it came from outer space. Our baby registries are ten times more extravagant than our wedding registries. Warning: we have access to message boards and we're not afraid to use them.
3). We can only use the words months or weeks to describe our children’s biological or gestational age (a phrase all of the non-parents are quickly checking out on Wikipedia). Rather than saying my kids will be a year and a half apart in age I tell people 19 months. To me, it sounds slightly less terrifying. To you, you’ll wish you paid better attention in junior high math.
4). We will absolutely try and recruit you. Parenthood is a cult and you should most definitely drink the Kool Aide.
5). We believe that everything about our children is fascinating and must therefore interest you as well. I will tell you every animal sound my daughter can say and the ones she struggles with, because you made the mistake of asking me how my day was going.
6). Did you want to see a picture of my child eating ice cream, at the beach, or petting our dog? Great, check it out my Instagram or Facebook page. It is has become a shrine to my family.
7). You are no longer allowed to use phrases like I’m exhausted or I got NO sleep last night. We now own the rights to suffering and any non-parents using these expressions will be shot on site with our dagger eyes which are also trademarked, so don’t even try.
