Hometowns

It is safe to assume that after this latest episode, anyone that was still rooting for Peter to find love has now left the building and is at an eyewash station, because we are now bleeding from the eyes after 2 hours of solid hometown torture.

We begin the torture with Hannah Ann in Tennessee.

Peter reciprocates her childish love note on yellow legal paper, because that’s sexy. Then Hannah Ann and her sister scurry away to fawn and giggle over what it could mean. You know like, junior high. Peter attempts to ease her dad’s mind by sharing, even before Hannah Ann, that he’s “falling in love with her”. Her dad looks about like he’s being read the off-the-menu specials by an annoyingly smiley server, who doesn’t actually answer any of your questions.

Yeah, so what about all the other women.

Try the beef it’s fabulous.

Kelsey decides if she was supposed to be excited about Ohio, then she will force Peter to be excited about Iowa wine. If we’ve noticed a theme with Kelsey, it’s mishaps with alcohol. Sadly, we learn by the end of the episode, that the woman who exploded champagne in her own face is actually the most mature of the women left from this never-ending dumpster fire of a season. Kelsey claims to be in love. Peter likes her about as much as most people enjoy airplane pretzels.

The most important thing I need to point out besides Madison’s virginity, is her 15-year-old father and mother’s disastrous eye makeup. It’s pretty obvious Peter likes Madison the most and yet they are missing fundamental elements within their “relationship”. Peter obviously enjoys causal sex and Madison is saving herself for her husband in marriage. Seems like a first date sort of conversation to me.

Lastly, we have Victoria F. Not only is the sound of her voice like whiny nails a chalk board, I’d like to set on fire, but she just seems like a garbage person, who has been making it in life solely off her looks. Peter’s ex approaches him and explains what every other person has been able to witness, but that Peter will continue to ignore until after they sleep together. After Peter confronts Victoria calmly, her true colors explode out. Visualize if all of a sudden the conveyor belt at the airport just started shooting baggage everywhere: deceitful, unable to commit, dramatic, narcissistic. The airport would actually run out of bags to use for this metaphor for this chick. They don’t even get to meet her family. But don’t worry, she gets a rose and Kelsey goes home.

Peter is nothing if not horribly consistent, at how horrible he is, at being the Bachelor.