Fantasy Suites

Before everyone takes off to Gold Coast, Australia Madison, sits Peter down to what we are all assuming will be “the talk” about her virginity. Instead, she fumbles through some awkward sentences about her not wanting him to sleep with anyone in the Fantasy Suites and if he does then she won’t be able to stick around. So…I’m confused why you even bothered going to Australia with the group, did you not watch the infamous windmill episode of 4 times with Hannah B, sweet, sweet Madi? Everyone could have told you Peter is a have-sex-first, suffer-the-consequences-later kind of guy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess he’s gotten, herpes, gonorrhea or at the very least given the syph to a flight attendant.

We kick things off with Hannah, now Hannah Ann, to appear more southern and to distract from the Beast.

Hannah Ann’s doe-eyed glaze would have better served her as a Disney Princess aboard a Disney Cruise ship, at least there she could focus on her #lifegoals of being “so skinny” and “so tan” (you cannot see me, but I’m rolling my eyes).

Hannah and Peter have a boring date and a steamy make out sess in the bathroom, reminiscent to the car scene in Titanic with the sweaty hand, since producers figured they’d try and put cinematographic lipstick on this pig of a season.

Peter and Victoria F. congratulate each other on a drama-free day, and celebrate by “moving [their] relationship forward in more ways than one” and declare how “connected [they] are now” which is just Bachelor-speak for boning in the Fantasy Suites.

The girls rendezvous back in their shared suite, where they try not to make eye contact with each other or their faces will reveal the truth that would quickly send Madi and her oddly symmetrical eyelashes back home to bible study.

Luckily eye contact is avoided and Peter and Madison get to the opportunity to use the “taking our relationship to new heights” analogy from page 3 of The Bachelor Handbook directly under “love is taking a leap of faith” and “it’s just like how we have to go all in” (best used during skinny dipping dates, but is not PG-13-appropriate when used during the Fantasy Suites). How Madi and Peter were able to makeout with tongue 90 stories in the air is so completely outside my scope of comfort--I spent that part of the episode sweating and doing my breathing exercises. But something about that clear Aussie air suddenly gave Madison the clarity that she needed, TA-DA: she’s in love! Well your timing is impeccable Madi, because Peter and his little Peter have done exactly that opposite of what you requested, twice! Cue the most awkward dinner ever in which your boyfriend has to say without saying that he didn’t think you were actually serious about your ultimatum and now that it looks like you’re serious he feels sooooooooo bad. Never mind that these two have absolutely nothing in common; including basic foundations of moral and religious beliefs, trust, or communication.

At this point I don’t see how Peter ends up with any of these women. I think we are all just hangin’ on to find out who Barbara is referring to when she wins the Emmy for outstanding mother in a garbage season.