Women Tell All

We kick off with a little bit of drama, Madison is late to the ceremony and Peter arrives seeing her absence he retreats in despair, like he’s just been told 86% of his girlfriends this season were in it for FitFabFun sponsorships.

I recognize that producer’s sensor the heck out of everyone’s personality--and while I never watched the Juan Paulo season, he still managed to allude to his epic douchery, but Peter and this season is simply vanilla. And not just because he is yet another white guy in a sea of white guys, but he is so blah, I was thankful I needed to organize my pantry with the “Women Tell All” in the background, otherwise that hour would have been robbed from my life without purpose.

“The Women Tell All” is a misnomer—they tell us nothing of substance. There is lots of pettiness. Sydney praises Madison for sticking by her morals, when in reality, Madi already accepted Peter’s rose, so the only thing she is sticking with is her bottom-lash mascara over-application.

They gave Kelsey “The Bachelorette edit” without giving her the title (the new Bachelorette is Sacramento-native and senior citizen at 38, Claire Crowley).

Peter doesn’t actually answer any of the hard-hitting questions and hides behind his, “Hey, I’m not perfect” excuse like it’s an acceptable replacement phrase for being uninteresting--when his entire job is to be interesting. Even his Voldemort scar doesn’t make him stimulating, it seems to only make him more insecure.

Chris Harrison ends with the promise that no one, not even Peter, knows how this season will end. As if this is supposed to be a consolation prize for this throwaway season. My bet is that Peter, continuing his theme of indecisiveness, picks someone he eliminated early on, then makes one last-ditch effort with Hannah Beast, and finally just ends up chauffeuring his parents around for the remainder of the episode, while they do hand-stuff in the back of the car.