The Finale
It all came down to this, my friends. You easily could have skipped the entire season and just tuned in these last two days—but somehow, we made it to the finale!
You know how on The Bachelor, families typically love one person and are kind of lukewarm about the other as an additional point of drama for the show? Well this time, after meeting Hannah Ann, Barbara wrote their wedding vows, picked out her dress, and got all the paperwork started on the name change. Upon meeting Madison, Barbara acted like most women when they start their period, super annoyed and ready for it to leave.
Basically, her level of enthusiasm towards Madison, is how we all felt about her son’s season of The Bachelor.
Once the girls left and they sat down for a family heart-to-heart Barbara expressed, with buckets of tears and theatrics, that there was only one clear choice to make.
Now Peter claims to love both women, but decides to pick Madison. Unlucky for him, Madison dumps him atop a mosquito-infested sacred rock in the middle of Australia. She expressed what everyone else had already concluded, that they had fundamental differences that would ultimately not work out in the end; a pretty intuitive point for someone who could benefit from YouTube makeup tutorials.
Miraculously in the span of 2 days post-heartbreak, Peter is ready to propose to poor unsuspecting Hannah Ann. A girl that reminds me of a child that wants to be grown up so badly, you’d catch her in her mom’s closet wearing her high heels. Well she wears those very heels, and they get engaged.
Peter returns home to share the news with his family and they await his long drawn-out explanation, like they are hearing his options of court-mandated castration or the pardoning of his man-parts. He wins his family’s love, only to realize a month later he’s made a mistake.
Peter and Hannah Ann’s breakup is not the first of its kind. If it felt familiar, it’s because Arie pulled the same move with Becca in a previous season. Hannah Ann held her own, while being most peeved by Peter robbing of her “first engagement” which is quite possibly the most millennial thing I’ve ever heard.
Hannah Ann has one heck of a PR agent who carefully scripted her hot seat emotional bitch slap. She chides Peter for his immaturity and perhaps oversells her ability to read a situation, when she claims that she would have intuitively been able to gauge Peter’s incisiveness had they had an initial conversation that didn’t begin with, “Will you marry me?”
Chris Harrison, the sneaky dickens, giddily spills the beans to Madison who would “jump at a second chance with Peter”—all the while we get a picture-in-picture live-reaction from Barbara and she’s busy writing Peter out of the will. Chris Harrison arranges a secret rendezvous and these two are back together quicker than you can say, “I give them 1 month!”
Now we learn why this season wasn’t spoiled by Reality Steve—because Madison has been sequestered in confessional with her Dad for the past six months while they work tirelessly braiding in her extensions. Peter and Madi are reunited for the first time and decide on stage to continue their relationship.
Really the only selling point of Peter as the Bachelor, was his family. Cut to Thanksgiving this year, where Barb throws a doggie bag at Peter and Madi from the driveway, while Hannah Ann is inside carving the turkey, and Chris Harrison is in the La-Z-Boy sippin’ sweet tea.
Thank you to those who stuck around, read, and shared my recaps! Everything expressed here is meant in humor and should be taken about as seriously as Peter takes his romantic relationships.
