Week 3

Matt decided to channel his inner Frozone and wear the least sexy outfit he could piece together for his first group date all about sex. At least he has a sense of humor about it though…

Ashley I. must have some blackmail on producers as juicy as whatever Trump has on Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz because this is the only logical explanation as to why she keeps showing up as a guest judge. I know Chris Harrison is retiring, but I’m stating for the record having her as host next season would be a bigger mistake than those high-waisted monstrosities she was wearing.  

For the date, the girls have to write a passionate love scene inspired by their passion for Matt. Overall, the girls had no business writing; the other girls had no business listening; and we certainly had no business watching. No. No. No.

Rachael scores the group date rose. Everyone is pissed at Sarah for hijacking time away from the group to remind Matt it’s weird that he’s dating 20 other women besides her. 

Serious question: Are producers torturing these women with sleep deprivation, because I’ve never seen a group of 20-somethings whose bags under their eyes rival those of a newly pregnant mom with triplet toddlers. Are these girls doing heroine during rose ceremonies, like what is happening?

Serena P. scores the first one-on-one. They have a romantic picnic with a goat and overall, Serena seems to have potential. She had me on her team right when Matt showed up at the hot tub wearing turtle swim trunks. Absolutely give him a hard time about his turtle obsession, Girl. I’m sure some of his other gf’s will clap for his turtle fetish, but always go for the girl who will challenge you a little bit.  

Sarah struggles throughout this entire episode. It would seem—if I’m translating properly through the terrible narrative producers give her: she doesn’t want to waste what precious time her dad has left alive, watching other women date a man she has feelings for. The kicker… now these women are bullying her.

After a sincere apology to the group, Victoria leads the charge of mean girls to further alienate Sarah. This makes sense given that Victoria has an honest-to-God stye in her eye that’s growing by the minute and Sarah is a huge threat.

As probably the biggest plot twist thus far, turns out “Vibrator Girl” who has officially dropped that title and can now be called Katie—AKA highest Bachelorette-potential thus far, is hands down the most emotionally intelligent girl in the group. Katie and Sarah have a heartfelt conversation about losing their Dads and Sarah ultimately decides to send herself home. 

Not going to lie, that was tough to watch, Guys. I hope their next group date involves dropping Queen Victoria at the Ophthalmologist (like, forever).