Week 4

Anyone else feel like at this point, the producers have just given up? They naively assume that just because we are all on day 7,528 of quarantine that we will just accept complete garbage as gold—even the teasers for next week look terrible! I guess this just means I need to step up my relentless mockery, to make up for their inability to make quality television. 

Here we go.

Matt mourns Sarah leaving for a few minutes, before awarding Chelsea with a rose. Chelsea proves you don’t need hair to be fierce. Anyone else spend an embarrassing amount of time wishing you could witness the fall foliage in person? Sure, Matt is sexy, but how gorgeous are those golden leaves?

Victoria and now Anna have completely ruined this season. It’s not entertaining to watch juvenile cattiness in any form, but their accents take us deeper into the seven circle of hell. Luckily Katie, Twitter’s pick for the next Bachelorette, is the voice of reason and articulates what viewers everywhere are thinking. If I see Victoria and Anna in Paradise, I’m done. Consider this your notice.

In an attempt to revive this season, producers bring in another truckload of women, fresh from a Forever 21 shopping spree. Michelle is a bright spot among a sea of cleavage and spandex.

Anna spends the episode trying to keep her Crest white strips in place, by speaking in a manner that shows all 56 of her teeth. She sees Victoria’s treachery is gaining airtime, so she makes a claim that new girl Brittany works as an escort in Chicago. 

Michelle scores a one-on-one, leaving the original crew to stew in their own insecurities. Michelle and Matt connect over their love of working with children. They spend the majority of the date making out inside a hot air balloon.

Does anyone else spend time wondering what the hot air balloon operator does while they are swapping saliva? The basket can’t be bigger than 5-feet wide, so while some audience members may be thinking, Aww, that’s so romantic, I’m over here hoping the camera man and the balloon operator found love and the basket transformed into a 7th grade dance—except like a Jesus-friendly one, so strictly first or second base only.  

If you haven’t noticed by now, Matt kisses with his eyes open. While he always looks decently stoned, his kiss face is no exception. Luckily, Matt can take the piss and posted this Tweet—so we can get the full Bachelor experience at-home. 

During the next group date, the girls learn some boxing moves while pretending to recognize Mia St. John. They box in front of a “live” audience which in COVID-life means the rest of the girls from the house. They all act shocked when a few of them get knocked around, which would be shocking except THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS IN BOXING.

Katie pulls Matt aside at the end to ask for a higher babysitting wage. Frankly, whatever they offer her isn’t enough at this point. Run Katie, save yourself.