Week 5

Are we still doing this? But seriously. Are we?

In an effort to recreate the Junior High experience that everyone loves so much, this show no longer has anything to do with love, just mean girl drama. It’s fitting because Victoria, Anna, and MJ all peaked right around 8th grade and even more than Victoria’s bra… it shows. These miserable women now have more airtime than any actual relationship on a show about relationships.

FINALLY, Anna and then Victoria are sent home—one for calling someone an “escort” and the other for calling someone a “hoe”. During these scenes I hovered above my body thinking of past pelvic exams—an experience more enjoyable than what I was witnessing. 

Rachael gets the one-on-one and it’s Pretty Women meets a man pretending to give a shit about Louboutins. Retail therapy works its magical powers when suddenly two former-love-virgins, find it hidden beneath Matt’s turtleneck and Rachael’s cobalt prom dress circa the David’s Bridal bridesmaid collection.

During the group date, MJ’s fear of chickens seems completely rationale given the likelihood they all want to make a nest in her hair. Matt calls her out and instead of taking accountability for newly inhabiting Victoria’s toxic spirit, she doubles down on her innocence. 

Remember sweet Abigail? During the group date she opens up and for a momentary glimmer we’re reminded this show can be better than a trip to the gyno. Abigail lands the group date rose and briefly my sanity is restored. 

The idea that Kit is getting a one-on-one over someone like Katie or Chelsea, is bananas. I can’t with Kit’s “poor me and my red-carpet life”. She legit looks like she’s 12 and every time they make-out I feel like CPS is going to arrive on the scene and haul her away in her gold Bentley. 

The only bright spot in all this nonsense? Next week Tyler Cameron finally makes his (ideally shirtless) cameo.