Week 1

Clare the Crypt-Keeper Crawley, a tragically single woman at 39, is the oldest Bachelorette in 16 seasons of this cringe-worthy addiction. She is literally placing all her remaining eggs in The Bachelor Franchise basket. Clare has a loooooong history of heartbreak on literally every version of the show that has ever existed—with highlights including a spicy walk-off from mega-douche Juan Pablo and a failed engagement to the sexy Canadian, Benoit, during The Bachelor Winter Games. Clare has made it abundantly clear, that if this doesn’t work out, there just isn’t any other way to meet men in this world. 

Just when it looked like Clare was destined for spinsterhood with the arrival of COVID-19, Chris Harrison found a way. All the contestants took over an entire hotel in Palm Springs, California and quarantined for the sake of true love. Producers were thrilled to swap out the cost of international air travel for COVID testing and PPE. Highlight of the intro? Watching grown men cry over getting nasal swabs--boy would you guys hate Pap smears. 

Right out of the gate, most of these boys are not age-appropriate. And those that are, apparently don’t have enough money to access a tailor. As someone who is 6’1, Devon, my female-co-captain of this league, is 6’2—what do we need to do as a civilization, to stop flood pants from becoming a fashion trend? I’m seriously asking. Make it stop.

We should probably talk about Dale Moss. Not only did Clare say, “I definitely feel like I just met my husband” but she had to take an actual minute to cry over his beauty. We completely understand. Step aside Tyler Cameron. Damn. 

It seems like Clare’s advanced age has its benefits though. At the slightest hint of drama, she quickly left Yoseph and Tyler to work out their middle school issues, over flirty Instagram DMs. The only other guy who even came close to getting a little love from Clare, was Blake M. She thanked him for taking a risk and reaching out before the show. I’m just putting it out there— Blake seems semi-normal and sweet. 

Dale landed the first impression rose, obviously. Just make those gorgeous green-eyed babies already!

If you participated in a social media detox during lockdown, I applaud you. By now everyone knows something different happens this season and Chris Harrison doesn’t look happy about it. Cleary, the “oldest bachelorette” is a rule breaker. Can’t wait to watch our geriatric girl get her man!