Week 2
It’s only the second week and already Clare feels a little too comfortable. I was so ready to give her a chance, hooray for The Bachelor franchise for recognizing that women exist over the age of 25! But dang girl, not everyone spent lockdown watching every second of your reality-show “journey” and knows that your dog’s names are Honey and Elbie. She gives an award-winning RBF though; I will give her that.
No matter how dull a season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, the internet never disappoints. Bachelor Nation on Twitter can sniff out anyone’s doppelgänger faster than fans can determine who isn’t there for the right reasons. Once you see them, you can’t unsee them and if nothing else, this helps our overall enjoyment of the show.
Clare is Jan from The Office.
Blake Moynes (yes there are two Blake M’s)
Bennett (Bennett’s comment about replacing the couches after the sweaty Dodgeball losers dropped their balls on them, definitely a Schmidt quote if ever I’ve heard one).
Chasen is the cutie from Outer Banks
But I digress…
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate Jason’s glowup!
All you need to know about the first group date--it’s basically an “Eyes Wide Shut Party” starring Clare and Dale, while they explore everyone’s “Love Languages” and the boundaries of voyeurism. Already, we get a sneak peak of Clare’s overwhelming insecurities, when she throws a mini-tantrum over the guys not rocketing off the coach to “steal her away for a minute”. Are the men just here to “bro-out” as she claimed, um… absolutely they are! When all that’s waiting for them at home is lockdown with a side of nationwide panic, pretty sure anyone would opt for a month-long frat party. Hell, I would have signed up to date Clare if it meant getting out of the hell that was the summer of 2020.
For Clare’s first one-on-one she picks Jason (who is not Dale, weird). The couple engages in what could only be described as every man’s worst nightmare for a first date, where they delve deep into feelings. This seems oddly dangerous since Clare’s psychology skills are about that of someone who cashed in on a one-time Groupon for therapy. They write vaguely cryptic letters to their former selves and share all the worst things people have ever said about them. Anyone else waiting for Clare to say people always say, “I’m just too pretty”? 🙋♀️
What I need to know is whether or not Jason and his parents have a basement full of bodies like in Silence of the Lambs, because anyone who alludes to “dark and heavy” baggage that often, isn’t referring to the one time he forgot to help Mom with her taxes. To end the date, Clare did her part to further global warming, by burning the monstrosity of a dress she wore when she told off Juan Pablo. It burned, along with any remaining hope that Clare might be just a normal 30-something-girl looking for love.
Anyone else miss Chris Harrison’s rapport with the recently departed Fred Willard during the nude dodgeball nightmare? Sigh, rest in peace Fred. I’m thankful for Eazy’s commentary though, he can go ahead and punch his ticket for Bachelor in Paradise today. We will see him in whatever Holiday Inn Express they will have to substitute for “Paradise” in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Now, I enjoy a good ball joke as much as the next 13-year-old pre-pubescent teenage boy, but objectification is never sexy. Demanding the group engage in strip-dodgeball was a low move, even for the franchise responsible for Bachelor in Paradise. It is rare that I side with the clearly emerging Bachelorette villain, Yosef, but when Clare asks for exit hugs with nothing between them but poor life-choices and a tiny piece of fabric, my heart sank with humiliation for them. To round out the awkwardness of the night, Blake Moynes tries to steal time despite losing at dodgeball. Clare ensures he leaves without any of his dignity intact after being nude AND blocked from a kiss. Yikes!
The most hypocritical rejection of the episode happens with Brandon, our new Grocery Store Joe, is sent packing. Clare is mad he didn’t engage in any moderate-to-heavy-internet-research prior to coming on the show--so all he had on her was her looks. A completely valid, if not tragically misguided complaint. One that everyone could stand behind, had she not claimed only days before that she “just met [her] husband” mere moments after meeting Dale and all his gorgeous-eyed sexiness.
In the end, in lieu of a rose ceremony, we get to witness her give Blake Moynes a pity-rule-breaking-rose topped off with a room full of men giving him the stink-eye. Clare uses that opportunity to sneak in some more blindfolded action with Dale. We get it. You’re in love.
Reality Steve claims we have about 5 episodes to endure of Clare as the Bachelorette, before someone else comes to our rescue. So far Yosef is Clare’s season’s vibes for sure.