Week 9

We pick right up where we left off with the 2-on-1 between Noah, the former-mustached toddler and Bennet, who has quickly fallen from grace as a once charming Harvard-grad, to a creepy, condescending douche. Tayshia scolds Noah and Bennet for their naughtiness harder than the time I caught my daughters eating sugar directly out of the 10-pound bag in the pantry with a spoon. 

She ultimately sends Bennett and his American Girl Doll teeth home… or so we thought. 

The rose ceremony is a blood bath and only 7 guys remain! Tayshia makes history by sending home her first impression rose SUUUUUPER early in the game. Diehard fans will remember the first impression rose usually either wins the whole thing or makes it to the top 3. No such luck for Spencer. Boy, bye!

God, I miss Chris Harrison—at least his Botox is tasteful. I am now pretty convinced that JoJo has fake teeth! Miss 90210 comes in and announces next week Tayshia will meet people’s parents. How does that work with COVID exactly? My parents do a lot of crazy shit for me, but I can tell you quarantining for two weeks and then meeting someone I’m dating on a reality TV show, who also happens to be dating a half dozen other people, so that maybe I can propose in two weeks, would not be one of those things. 

Ben, Ben, Ben. Sigh. Tayshia explains that Ben needs to “open up more” in order for him to stick around. Excuse me? Were you not listening during the Nude Art Show last week? Ben bared his body and soul while admitting to having battled an eating disorder and you want more after just 7 days? What are you offering up, Tayshia? So far, we know you’ve been divorced, but there has to be more skeletons in your closet—you’ve been on Bachelor in Paradise—and that place is a Half-Way House for emotionally stunted individuals with incurable Mommy and Daddy issues! Well, Ben did open up and shared that he had two failed suicide attempts after his time in the Army. I’m going to leave this here because it’s so damn important. If you are struggling, the world needs you. 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Wonderfully, Ben and Tayshia are falling in love with each other.

During the group date the boys are subjected to intense questioning. Questions like: have you ever cheated, are you in love, and what’s your name?! Before I dive into that drama, it’s important that we acknowledge “The Lie Detector Test” was nothing more than a shoddy version of a 6th grade science fair project using a MacBook Pro and some colored light bulbs. I’m all for suspending my belief that producers don’t intervene and stir up drama during this “unscripted” reality show--but please don’t mistake my love of love stories for stupidity! Ugh. 

We were teased in previews that Zac’s “cheating story” could mean the end of their relationship. Let me save you the heartache summed up in one Tweet.

Zac and Tayshia are also falling in love and that’s just adorable. 

Ok, I am also Team Riley, but can we all agree that Dwayne Henderson Jr.’s edited explanation of why he changed his name made exactly ZERO sense? It’s hard for me to root for you when you are as vague as a patient coming off of anesthesia. 

Tayshia doesn’t give out the group date rose because all the guys killed it during their alone time with her and now she’s got some hardcore decisions to make. 

The ending made me formally regret staying up past my bedtime to watch this episode live—when out of the bushes Bennett appears like Christian Bale in American Psycho. Tayshia evidently drank Clare’s Kool-Aid before she left, and Tayshia allows him to stay because he “showed up for her”. You know who also shows up for people, T? Stalkers, axe murders, and people who extract organ’s and sell them on the black market.  

Until next week, nighty, night.