Week 10 and "Hometowns"

The date between Blake and Tayshia brings back all the old school Bachelor vibes…that I hate. Using crystals to feel out energy, ranks up there with using essential oils to cure COVID. 

I’m not here for it. 

As an audience member, it remains unclear as to why Tayshia reaches Defcon 5 after sending Blake and his weird, woodsy-ass home. Maybe it feels like telling a 14-year-old auditioning for the role of the Beast, that he didn’t get the part in the super low-budget community theatre production. Blake doesn’t have any business being in Tayshia’s top 4, any more than Arie deserved to be The Bachelor. 

While still driving the breakup express, Tayshia says goodbye to Riley. Last week they celebrated their one-week anniversary with a rose, this week Riley wonders aloud why she strung him along so long. Whatever you do, don’t waste too much energy trying to piece together this entire season’s timeline; if Tayshia’s right cheek is any indication, Riley and Tayshia’s relationship didn’t last longer than a pimple.

Luckily her skin is back to its typical radiance, by the time they film The Men Tell All. 

Yosef clearly didn’t spend one minute of his time in quarantine recruiting a publicist, which is no excuse, because I’m fairly confident Reddit was invented for situations such as this:

I acted like a pompous dick on National Television. How do I fix my imagine? (39,542k)

Instead, Yosef took a page from Trump’s book and just doubled down on Jackassery. At least that’s on brand for 2020. 

Bennett, and his Ivy League I’m-a-Snob-Shoulder-Throw--that isn’t quite a scarf, but not quite an academic stole worn at graduation, is really channeling Chuck Bass season 1. It’s evident that by now, Tayshia has seen some previously aired footage and the twinkle for him has left her eye and is now more of the twitch I get when I happen upon a child-sized poop unflushed in the toilet.

We re-watch the confusing Blake breakup and Blake asks if “time” was their only issue. 

Awww, Honey, Sweetie, Baby. No.

You’re creepy, sweaty, and hairy. 

Producers, don’t you dare give him The Bachelor-edit, you stop that immediately. Shut. It. Down. 

Riley wins the show for the most heartbreaking rejection face. Watching and then re-watching their breakup, feels like witnessing the only puppy not being adopted in a liter of 30. And then as if that weren’t enough, they Clockwork Orange that sweet little puppy and make him watch all his siblings get fed, cuddled, and walked.

I actually had to fast forward to make it stop. 

“Hometowns”

Naturally, thanks to COVID, we are granted the low-budget La Quinta experience of “Hometowns”, where the guys are given a wad of sweaty money and told to “recreate a date they’d have back home with Tayshia”. Luckily we’ve been playing along at home, and are well-versed in make-believe at this point of The 2020 Experience, so Brendan and Tayshia’s carnival date looks like more fun than Disneyland! Brendan brings along his niece to their date… it’s all adorable. They have a solid family meeting.

 Zac teaches Tayshia how to hail a cab and afterwards I was half-expecting him to teach her how to use a payphone. Their chemistry is probably the most natural between these two—I mean once you’ve taken wedding photos together, the rest is gravy. Zac’s parents are exactly what you’d expect--standup, supporting humans who only want to see their son happy. 

Ivan plans a cooking date with his niece as their cooking instructor on TV. Again, adorable. Loving all these grown men showing solid family values. Now if we could only get everyone to stop apologizing for crying, we would be one step closer to curing toxic masculinity!

Ivan sees his parents as a consolation prize, wishing his brother could make the trip. What could be a better than his brother surprising us? Um… his brother arriving with not one but two tear drop tattoos on his face.

Are we just going to gloss over that? Oh we are? ::nervous laughter:: Let’s move on.

This “Ben is guarded” narrative Tayshia has be claiming, is getting really old, really fast. Ben’s sister and his family friend, Antonia come for hometowns. Now if Antonia looks familiar, she’s a bit of a reality groupie at this point—she’s been on Top Chef and Chopped. I’d put money on starring in a commercial for Tide right around age 5. 

Ben falls prey to the classic Bachelor Mistakes Playbook, where he “loves her” but doesn’t tell her. For those you unfamiliar with the native tongues of this artificial show about love, allow me to translate:

The producers will send ________ (insert poor bastard’s name here) home, in order to keep for future broadcasting, regardless of the couple’s actual feelings for each other.

Why is Ben being punished for not saying I love you? Ivan told his parents and I quote “I mean I like her a lot”. In The Bachelor Timeline, people say that after the first 10 minutes of meeting, or your ass is going home! 

Ulitmately, Tayshia chooses to send Ben home because she had “to continually pull things out of him”. The two sit and take turns saying, “Ok, Um” for a painfully awkward amount of time.

I don’t judge Tayshia for making hard choices. I judge her for giving Blake, BLAKE! a more emotional sendoff than a man who shared his, painful and vulnerable truth time and time again for her.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.